So Friday came and went,
Friday is the day that I usually post my blog, send out my emails, post on social media.
And none of it happened. It was a big week, clients, a few meetings, a photoshoot. But nothing that really stood as a clear reason as to why I couldn’t write a blog. I tried a few topics. They felt forced. They felt preachy and pretentious, I couldn’t even stand myself while reading them so they were scrapped.
Instead I just decided to let my deadline slide and see what would happen.
And in doing so I had a huge realization. Because not only was I unable to write a blog, but I was stalling in sending all of the files for the Upcoming Embodied Alchemy Method to my web guy so that they could be put into the site.
Something that in a lot of ways would bring closure to whats been a really crazy and transformational three years.
I was all ready to send them on Tuesday, but didn’t, I got busy with other things, I re-recorded a few tracks, fussed over outfits for the shoot, started to clean out my closet (more on that next week), basically anything but push send on an email.
And then Friday came, and I had to get to the reason why I was putting up so many blocks, I have a pretty tight deadline for everything to come together so why was it that I couldn’t sit in front of my computer for more than a few minutes.
And the answer that came through scared me. A LOT!.
WHAT IF I WON’T BE ABLE TO CREATE ANYTHING NEW AGAIN?!
What if I’ve said everything that I am capable of saying and from now on I will just be spewing redundant, repetitive information that everyone will be tired of hearing.
I don’t really know who I am or what I would do if I wasn’t creating this work.
It was a whole lot of doubt and insecurity coming through that needed to be tended to.
It also hit one of my biggest beliefs, that I have been working though for much of my adult life “That no one wants to hear what I have to say”
And, It’s been running the show this whole week, I tried to stay busy to ignore it but it kept pulling me away from what would force me to take a look at this for real, and get to the TRUTH.
When I really sit with this insecurity, deep down I know its not really true, but I also am willing to consider that it could be. I mean isn’t most self-help the same thing just written a million and one ways, each one connecting us a little differently to the work?
But that aside, I am also looking at this little fear to be the invitation for me to dive deeper into the work. That for my thoughts and teachings to evolve past what I know now, I may need to create more space and time to dwell in the medicine and likely in this uncomfortable space of not knowing what’s coming next. I don’t exactly know how and when that can happen, but I’m willing to accept the invitation and see what happens with it.
And this got me thinking about how this same feeling of putting a book end to one part of anyones life is scary. We never know what’s going to happen when we leave a job, lose 20 lbs end a defunct marriage, or paint the last brush stroke to a piece of art.
We think we know, which is why me take actions to do these sorts of things.
It could be great, in time it usually is, but the initial feeling after a celebration (depending on the action) feels a little hollow. You may not have something or someone to fill that void. You may not even want something to fill it. But the empty feeling is usually uncomfortable enough to want to avoid it in the first place.
So you procrastinate, pretend that everything is okay as it is right now, sabotage your success, and anything else that would prevent you from actually bringing to completion.
Theres this transformation that happens when we bring something to the other side of completion and when we’re stuck in this place our inner saboteur’s try to keep us on track to stay where we are, where we’re safe with what we know. It’s enough that we will sometimes turn our back on what our heart most wants.
Except, when we can get real about what’s happening, we can then make a choice. It might be the right decision to stay as you are, and other times you realize that you have to take the chance and just do it.
And when you do,
We have to trust in the fact that life evolves, with every choice you liberate yourself to create a new reality, one that your mind has yet to conceive of.
Even if it doesn’t turn out like you intended it, you will grow and experience more of life than you imagined.
And so I hit send.
XO
