I’m a firm believer in the fact that women are better off when we don’t chase the ghosts of our past.
The person I was at 24 was beautiful, talented and had a body that I dream about every now and then.
But, I also remember that same women being confused, a little lost, longing for a partner, a successful career and someday maybe a house and a child.
In a lot of ways I’m incredibly grateful that she’s in my past, but that doesn’t mean I have to forget her completely.
She has a gift to share with the woman that I am now and she so wants me to hear it.
And she came up to meet me head on this past Sunday.
I usually don’t write about something so recent, I like to digest it and figure out where it’s all leading and what shadows, struggles and even victories that I may experience as I allow my life to take a particular direction.
But it doesn’t feel right to wait on this one, not when it’s so pertinent to the Wood Energies that are happening as we speak.
Even though it’s all happening right now I need to share it right now.
This past Sunday we took Little E to his first un-parented swim lesson. I registered him at this sports centre that I spent a lot of time in, in my former life as an athlete and then again in my early twenties. I didn’t think much of it when I signed him up online, other than the class time and availability worked for our schedules.
I forgot about how that place made me feel.
I used to go to workout, run the track, lift weights, ride the bike, stretch 4-5 times a week, and I loved it. I would spend hours there. At that time in my life, I didn’t have a ton of responsibilities I was teaching skating part time, finishing up school and studying for my licensing exam, going to the gym was part just part of my life. I lived just across the park and river from the gym, I would simply walk and dance to my iPod on the way to and from, with no agenda as to when I had to be back.
On top of that, I was inspired by the other people that were doing their thing and I felt like I belonged right along side them.
And then, I met Sheldon, got busy in building my practice and business, moved to the burbs and let my membership go. I had different priorities that needed to be fulfilled and my energy and attention was spent in trying to make all of the new things in my life fit.
Something had to give, and like most people my fitness and health took a back seat.
I had little blips of time when I would attempt to get back into it. We have a home gym and more equipment than I can name and yet most of the time it sits unused. I spend time on my reformer every now and then, but there’s this feeling that somethings missing. Every attempt feels hollow. In every attempt I was chasing that person I was back then that had all the time in the world to focus on fitness.
Every time I tried to do something physical I would instantly compare myself to how I used to do it. So I just gave it up. I found other things to do, a little yoga here and there, a little Pilates when I felt like it.
I just felt like I had to give up on the idea of having that strength and feeling of athleticism that I once had.
That was until Qoya entered my life…..Qoya, helped me remember the athlete that I was and still am. Every time I danced and moved I could feel her emerge. She had the grace and strength of my former self but also the wisdom and surety that I have from being present to who I am now.
My body was asking for a bigger outlet to allow me to experience what it could do. I just didn’t know where or how. I kinda hate following along on videos and our home equipment just doesn’t feel like the right fit right now.
And then, I walked through the doors of the Talisman Centre on Sunday Morning with Little E and Sheldon and the familiar smell and sights just took over. I felt home. I felt the part of me that holds my Younger Selfs wisdom rejoice saying
“This Is It,” “this is what we need.”
Little E did his swim class and did amazing, he was so cute, and I was so happy watch him enjoy the water.
And I couldn’t help but think of how my younger self only ever wanted to what I have now. To be there with my husband and my son, having found my voice and my direction.
And then it hit me in how I could have her back too. Of course I don’t have the time to spend hours at the gym like I once did. But she would show me the path and pace back to my body (even post baby) feeling like an athlete. To once again feel my body as strong, capable with elegance and grace.
Its taken until now and almost a 10 year absence to welcome her back with full equanimity and a newfound reconciliation with the Wood Element to have reconciled the place of my Maiden Archetype (my former self) to exist alongside My Mother and Crone Archetypes,
She has a place to reside and thrive.
And so with that, I’m back at the gym, the same one that I used to work out of when I was 24. I’m experimenting with it anyways, and I’m completely within my right to change my mind if at some point it doesn’t feel right any longer.
But for now, it feels so GOOD, I once again feel like I belong, and with the alignment to my Core Values which include Health and Fitness, my calendar has magically opened up spaces where I can go with ease.
So that’s what I’ll do, I’ll go, I’ll move my body and I’ll let my former self take the lead. I trust her.
In the comments below I would love to hear if there’s a place where your former self is trying to lovingly take the lead in a particular are of your life and are you allowing her?