Usually I love this time of year, it’s usually my favourite time of year, given that my experience of the Earth Element in late summer is so short I try to soak up as much of the Water Element as I can.
But this year, experiencing Water has gotten off to a rough start. What’s usually still and reflective, infused with a ton of soul whispers and wisdom is choppy, muddled and unclear. I don’t know where I’m going right now.
It’s scary to say that, I have ideas but theres no flow or energy behind them and so I feel a bit lost.
Writing is hard, being still is hard and after a while its just difficult to come back for more of it without it feeling like you’re asking for more hurt.
I’ve rewritten the same blog 3 times this week….And what you’re reading now is not any revisions of it.
And to top it off, I’ve noticed with each passing day that I’ve struggled with this, the easier its been to numb and create distance to holding the space. All of a sudden meetings are popping up, new coffee dates and opportunities to be busy are filling the spaces where I would normally find myself writing, meditating, creating and feeling. But instead I’ve fooled myself into believing there just isn’t any time .
And then you catch yourself in the act. A single moment of clarity that you could easily miss, reaches out to grab your attention “What are you doing?” and “Why?”
And instantly a bit of the fog clears and you can see what you’re doing for what it really is. Busy to be busy, distracted to disconnect, closed off to not feel.
It sucks to admit that its true, but clarity can often comes at you like a wave that hits your chest and slams you to the ground. At least it did me.
And thats where I’m at.
I’m coming to, from what seemed like a knock out punch. Picking up the pieces, cancelling some of the busy that now seems unnecessary, and coming back into the space that still doesn’t feel awesome, and I don’t know when that’s going to shift.
Dwelling in the Water Element can at times feel magical, but its not all unicorns and cupcakes all of the time.
I definitely feel like I’m trying to maneuver myself against the current right now, but hoping and praying that in time that will change and I can flow and have things open up for me with more ease. For now I’m putting some of my attention to what feels within grasp, my marriage, my time with E and my practice.
If you’ve been feeling this way I hope this helps you know that you’re not alone. And if things are feeling in flow, embrace it and enjoy the wave. I hope to join you once again real soon.