As many of you have recognized that the essence of this blog has changed. It may feel like the rug has been taken out from under you because of this shift, and your questioning if you even want my emails popping into your inbox anymore.
I first off want to apologize for that, it was not my intention to go one way and then another, and trust me it’s better business for me to stick with the fertility.
BUT my heart knows differently, and frankly doesn’t care as much about the business and the money. It only cares that it is acknowledged and honoured.
And back in July, my heart told me that I needed to create some space around talking about bringing in your baby week in and week out.
Over the summer and even now, I am working though closing the door on any future children or pregnancies.
Growing up I always thought I would have 2 kids, and then for a little while that I would have none. When Sheldon and I got married, we agreed that we would try for One.
“One and Done” was a motto that went through our house and among friends once I was pregnant and I was completely okay with it.
Until, I wasn’t.
I had the most amazing pregnancy, the first couple weeks were crazy and a little rocky but once I got into that second trimester it was magic.
I felt alive, in tune and so connected to my baby and with my body like never before. It was easy, and really right up until my labour I couldn’t have asked for a better pregnancy.
I miss a lot about how I felt when I was pregnant. Even now.
But my labour sucked, my ability to breast feed was almost futile and it didn’t last very long, I suffered and had to work through Post-Partum depression and creating a bond with Little E. I was back working WAY too soon.
I wanted a do-over
and it hurt my heart every time someone asked me if we would have another baby.
Now I am all about clearing the karma and blocks to my intellectual and emotional self, I feel its important to free the feelings around our given choices so, I have spent the better part of my free time healing my yearning to have a different labour and experience.
Mostly because I strongly believe that it isn’t another baby’s purpose to come through to heal this for me. I can clean it up my self without the karmic cord. and as time goes on, I have come to a place of peace with it all.
It’s even forever changed the way I talk and work with mama’s who are nearing the end of their pregnancies in my practice.
I can now look on mine and Little E’s experience in those early days as a gift.
But, in saying goodbye to this part of me, I also had to acknowledge something else and goodbye to it as well.
It may sound a little crazy, but I could feel Little E around me prior to getting pregnant, and I would talk to him and create an invitation for him to come into our lives when he was ready. I knew he was a boy and even our dog Lily behaved differently around me for about 2 months before we saw that extra pink Line.
and last spring I felt a new little one around me. This time it was a little girl, but the energy wasn’t as strong, almost unsure. Sheldon and I talked at length about about following the little knock at the door, but in the end we decided to not.
For a little while I prayed for an oops, but my heart knew that it wouldn’t be that way. That she wouldn’t come unless she was called. Little E on the other hand, he was coming regardless so we best just get ready. But her energy was different and so I must begin the process of closing this chapter.
Now I won’t say it will never happen, because I know better than that and have seen lots happen when people say never, and its possible that her energy could change.
BUT by this July I came to the realization that I would be ignoring the knock, saying good-bye and letting her go.
And, with that I had to take a break, and really let myself dive into the grief of what this decision means for myself and our family. I just couldn’t make myself write about opening up to the receptive powers of pregnancy and work through my own closing of those same energies.
If your reading this and struggling to get pregnant in the first place, I want to acknowledge your frustration, feel free to have it, but it doesn’t make my pain and grief of going the opposite direction any less real and its a place that every woman finds themselves, when they’re family has realized.
All of us in our own way will say good-bye somehow.
It’s important to allow myself to acknowledge it and by following my heart to wherever it is going is how I intend to heal.
I hope that you are open to following me on this journey and see where it takes me and us.
Ps.. The good news is this break as allowed me time to revive my love for all things fertility and Living Fertile is set to launch this spring. Want to be on the list to find out more when it comes available Click Here.
In the comments below I would love to hear if you have had to work through this same place of saying goodbye, did it come easily or with a lot of work to get there.
XO
Ashley
