Addicted to Struggle
Originally Posted Mar 16, 2018
In the last year of unravelling the truth to my work and more importantly my worth.
I’ve noticed something.
Something that I would have never admitted before in my life and I probably because I have an old mantra playing in the background “Perfect Practice makes Perfect” I mean come on, what do you even do with that one, but it completely highlights the fact that I am addicted to struggle.
If its too easy than, I must not be working enough, or doing enough or that I am enough. I must of missed something, I’m going to be unprepared and the other shoe is going to drop and I am going to be caught with my pants down for everyone to see.
I find myself doing it in in little ways as a fabric woven through every part of my life.
In the ways that I mother and move through my daily life, I find myself adding unnecessary tasks to prove to myself or some imaginary other person, that I’m a good mom, a good person, or that I have my shit together.
I look to other practitioners and entrepreneurs and the way that they are in their practice/businesses and deem what I do, not good enough. I tell myself I'm not seeing enough people in a day/week/month and so I must move the marker of what success looks like past, what is likely physically, emotionally or spiritually possible for me. Just so that every day week and month I feel as though I had failed.
My trainer laughs at me because she and I are the same, if I’m going to do something with my body, then I set myself to take it all the way. Before even really trying it in the first place.
True story I tried racquet ball in my early 20’s for a couple of times and the coach said I had some natural talent, and right there and then I thought I would train to compete and become national champion, I mapped out the path rather just enjoyed the fact that the sport could be something that I enjoyed and could have some fun not sucking at. About 3 weeks later when I realized I was being ridiculous I stopped playing and I haven’t made it to a court again.
My point is, in all of these scenarios, I was chasing the struggle more than my willingness to drop in and trust my own presence and truth and just enjoy myself and the journey, and realize that I’m succeeding in most things that I do. I accomplish a lot, and I continue to envision a future where I am more in flow, doing work that I love, trusting my heart and enjoying my life as it unfolds
I am a good mother, when I just stop for a second, take a breath and listen, I can create the most amazing day with E, even if its us just getting errands and laughing in the car.
I know how I enjoy my work, it looks different from what most people do. My body feels best with a certain amount of clients each day and week and when I allow it to be it all comes together and each of those spots fill up without me even trying.
My soul rewards me, by being ever so present with each of those clients and provides we with words and inspiration that I can channel and share to support their healing.
And Movement, well that one, I’ve come to realize that I just might not ever be a national champion racquet ball player, but I can move with my body and allow it reveal its strength flexibility and wonder every time I decide to drop in to that space.
Struggle no longer serves me, perfection never did, and life, and ambition can come through with ease if you let it. You can transform any and all beliefs that tell you that something has to be hard. Its all a lie.
As the wood energy emerges within you and you envision your future and goals this season, remember that Ease, Flow and Grace are possible within this space.
The journey is more important that the outcome sometimes.
So breathe it in, surrender your ideas of how something needs to be done, and allow for your soul to show you a better way.
XO Ashley