Stutters, Speaking Up and Sharing Truth

Originally Posted May 12 2016

When I was in grade 6 I vowed to never speak again.

I even got mad at myself when I broke that vow, because of course I had to eventually speak. But each time I did I would berate myself for being weak, an attention-seeker, selfish and a million more cruel things.

Now of course I speak, but I often don’t speak up or tell people what I think. I’m terrified when I have to do this. Not unless they really know me and its very common for me to only speak when I’ve been asked a question. I can sit in a conversation among others and say absolutely nothing.

Of course, developing the art of listening has been amazing for my profession but being scared to speak is a pattern that I still struggle with to this day.

It’s amazing how one adults off-handed comment hurt me so deeply that I have spent good money and years in therapy for and continually find myself pushing up against hard edges to over-come and put myself out there.

I find writing easy, talking and speaking is hard.

In fact, when I first started my acupuncture practice I developed a stutter. I just couldn’t trust my voice. I didn’t believe that I could give direction and have authority.

I didn’t have enough confidence to tell others what I thought on a subject that I knew a lot about.

In time with a lot of work and inquiry the stutter went away, and my level of trust in myself was able to carry me forward, to direct, educate and care for clients. to be the doctor that I wanted to be.

My stutter came back when I met Sheldon. In fact I didn’t speak a lot in the beginning. I didn’t know what to say. Honestly I didn’t know why he decided to stick around through that, because at times things were pretty quiet. (I later learned, that he really likes the quiet, too bad for him I feel free to talk all of the time now)When the silence faded the stutter came back and then in time it went away.

Ever time I encounter a big moment in my life, one that involves me being more vulnerable, more assertive and out for everyone to see, my stutter comes back.

I’m over it, but it persists and again its back.

I thought I got away with not having to deal with it as this year I’ve done a lot of things where I’ve stuck my neck out and succeeded from teaching Qoya, leading the Embodied Alchemy Circle, refining my work and how I wish to share it.

I had to push up against a lot to do all of that, thankfully a dear friend took the position of my cheer-leader to follow-thru. I almost backed out of everything multiple times even with the support but I did it, and to my surprise there was no stutter.

Until now……I haven’t totally worked out why now, as both Qoya and the circle are coming to a close in the next month for a summer break. There’s a completion to this current cycle and a vision has formed for what comes next.

And for me, its a big one. New offerings so that you can work with me one-on-one and your Individual Alchemy. A program that teaches you the entire method to create, manifest and live a life by your own design and in equanimity with your body and Mother Earth (being released this fall) and More, So much more.

But it’s a huge step for me.  To take a step out from what I’ve always known, what I’ve figured out and made successful. I know what I have and it’s good, it’s safe, it’s familiar. But in the last three years since Little E has left his presence on my heart, there is still more to do see and create beyond the safety of my acupuncture clinic.

What I’ve been able decipher is that my stutter shows up when I’m worried about the feelings of other people. That I must care-take every perception that they may have about me and what I’m about to say. But that’s impossible…

So in this moment, even with a slight stutter this is what I know about taking the leap.

~ When it comes from the heart, the voice sings.

~ When you follow your heart doors open you could never imagined.

~ It may not look how you thought it would, but it usually is always the perfect thing for you.

and finally.

~ Without growth, life is stagnant, Life and Love are meant to expand, it may not always feel amazing but growth and love will lead you to a much bigger life, impact and legacy.

I want that for me and for you!

XO Ashley