Turning Towards My Desire, Even When I Don't Totally Believe In It Just Yet

Originally Posted Mar 9, 2017

This time of year is usually my most creative and that has not been my experience thus far.

Instead, I have been battling the most intense block both mentally in that I am barely able to write and spiritually, struggling to connect to my version and expression of the Divine. It’s not that I haven’t tried a million times to push and create momentum, but largely it’s equated to nothing other than a few poems and blogs.

In conversation with a friend back at the beginning of the year we discussed how we were both feeling the heaviness that the water energies had brought and with it a sincere felt sense of responsibility that what we say, do, write and share have meaning. That it doesn’t perpetuate distraction from the greater collective that requires some serious love, regardless if one sees it or many.

And while this could have been an opportunity to really find my voice and speak it loud and proud, I went even more silent. It only further perpetuated my long standing belief that I shouldn’t speak, that no one cares what I have to say. The only thing that surfaced at this time was fears and questions. "What if what I have to say isn’t good enough? What if it only comes out as fluff with no depth? Maybe I should just shut my mouth, and let someone else take up the space!”

In the beginning when this first started to happen I was distracted with other things. Getting some programs ready and out in the world, some family stuff that needed to be addressed, the leak…. and now that everything is starting to settle and we begin to feel the emergence of Spring and the Wood Element, I now am faced with actually looking at why I can’t write and talking back to the various voices in my head.

Why can’t I write?

Something that I love to do…

And I think back to the middle of November when my words and feelings all started to jam up and I realize that I made a proclamation, something that really scared me and then I froze. I only shared it with a few people at the time and every time that I shared it, I thought the words coming out of my mouth were silly, that I was being ridiculous and self important. More beliefs and feelings of “who am I to do that” “you are the last person in the world that should do that” slapped my face, and while close friends were celebrating my desire, I was slowly turning away from it.

So what am I to do…

The fact that shutting it down hasn’t been working…I guess it means that I need to share it more no matter how silly it sounds. Or what you may think of me when I do. I need for my own hopes and dreams to be out in the world and no longer lurking in the background as secrets.

So here it is.

I want to write a book!

AHH! I’m actually shaking as I write this.

I want to write two books actually, potentially more, i don’t know.

I don’t really know what comes next, but I hope that in sharing this my fear allows my words to thaw and begin to flow as they need to.

Its possible that to some my words may lack the depth. They may not save the world. I don’t expect them to...

But they might just save me.

And for right now, that’s good enough.

XO Ashley