Does Self-Love Equate to Selfish and Lazy?

Originally Posted March 5, 2015

The answer to that question is that it's not, but.....

We’ve all thought this a time or two, I have, even recently. Do you find yourself thinking this?

Self-Love and Self-Care are huge buzz words right now, and truly it’s message is speaking to a lot of women right now.

Because it should, this is a message that needs to ring loud and clear.

BUT, it can also bring up a lot of feelings and not all of them helpful in getting you to where you want to be.

I was sitting on my couch taking in the morning when a million little nagging thoughts surfaced about what I should be doing.

It was a Tuesday, little E was at daycare, and I had no clients. Tuesdays are typically day’s when I write, do my paper work, go for a workout, I treat myself to a yummy lunch out in public, walk lily. It’s usually a jam packed day, and some of it is work and the rest of it is time to take care of myself.

But this particular Tuesday, I wasn’t feeling all that hot and I just wanted to lie on the couch and do nothing for a little bit, see if I could get the feeling to pass.

And then it hit me, I’m just being lazy, must be nice to have a day to do nothing, if you aren’t doing what you planned then you better get the laundry folded and do the dishes so you at least look like you were kind of productive. You have some much work to do, why are you lying down, and the one of the harshest ones, I can’t believe you don’t even have your kid with you at home, at the very least you could be caring for your child.

It got mean and it got really personal really fast and I’m certain I’m not the only one that has had these feelings and thoughts come up.

I was able to put these feelings in their place rather quickly, thank goodness, I rested for a bit and then went about my day as I was feeling way better, physically and emotionally about my choice to take a pause, but it got me thinking about this concept.

Now I recognize that I was brought up with really intense working class patterns, where work should be hard, and you can rest when the work is done, and so every day I have to work through these feelings a bit in order to do my job, because I’m not breaking back in the field or using my body to make a living the way my parents and grandparents did.

But, where it hits me the most is when I have free time and regarding my duties as a mom. Even if you weren’t brought up working-class, our society and culture was built on it and so its a mentality that has infiltrated each and every one of us and our values.

And it hits us women and moms especially hard.

We create caveats to when and how we can enjoy ourselves. We feel guilty when we want time away by ourselves and without our children. We beat ourselves up about the mounting to-do list that is nowhere near completion so we choose to not allow ourselves time. We have taken on the belief that Self-Care and Self-Love is a luxury for someone else, a women way more privileged than us.

We have created a scenario where Self-Care and Self-Love feels out of reach and that needs to change.

We make caring for ourselves something that is a luxury so we put it off for another day. Now some of the things we want to do may very well be out of our budget, but the actual practice of Self-Love can cost you nothing.

You can do it for free, you can do it with your time and it can look how ever you want it to look.

And all of those little criticisms that are getting louder in your mind. THEY ARED JUST FEELINGS! They are not based in fact, they are not real, just feelings.

Self-Care is not a luxury, its a necessity!

I will make one caveat and that is self-care and self-love doesn’t get shoved into your grocery shopping time because that’s when you get a kid-free moment. That’s a chore and should be treated as such.

But it could be a beautiful bath that you draw for yourself with some essential oils and a glass of wine, or a walk around your neighbourhood where you have the time to sit at a park bench and not feel rushed to get back.

And other times it can be something grand, a massage, a spa day, a vacation, but it’s important to remember that you can create a practice with next to nothing and still have it be something that lets your mind drop into your heart for a while.

One of the ways that I have added a little more self-love into my day is by having a evening routine. The mornings are too hectic for us and the though of getting up even earlier to do a bunch of stuff isn’t going to happen. But when little E is already asleep I have found a space to make some time for me.

I spend some time with Sheldon after Little E’s bath and bedtime and then around 9:00 I head up to bed. I light a candle, I sometimes play some music, I dry brush my body, I have a long hot shower. Afterwards I massage coconut oil into my skin, I finish getting ready for bed, I put a card from my tarot deck, I set my intentions for the next day, I spend a few minutes journalling and then I go to sleep.

The whole process takes about an hour, when I do every single step and take my time it feels glorious. Some nights I skip something here or there, but I try to keep it the same. It’s routine, it’s for me, my mind winds down and I have an amazing sleep.

So I invite you to push against the feelings that are getting in your way of how you wish to spend your time and acknowledge that you can still be productive and devote some time to yourself. You don’t have to wait for permission.

In the comments, I would love to hear if you struggle with this concept of Self-Love and what do you choose to do when you get some time.

XO Ashley