My Secret Motivation

Originally posted Feb 19, 2015

So if I’m being 100% truthful, I’m a total and complete hypochondriac.

I’m better at handling this quirk now than I have been in the past, but for most of my life, I have always been looking for something to be wrong.

The slightest symptom and I would be looking up if it connected to a horrible disease or syndrome. More often than not I would always settle on something like having the early stages of MS or Lupus.

Coming to this place wasn’t exactly by chance. I have a history of autoimmune diseases and Hashimotos can be a pre-cursor to developing another and I have a family history, my uncle past away from complications of Lupus a number of years ago.

And so every few years I would have a barrage of tests that all came back normal and part of me would be secretly disappointed.

Okay firstly, Thank God they turned out to be nothing! and secondly WTF!

After the second to last time I had testing done, I realized that I have gone through this cycle enough times that it was time that I get to the bottom of why I was wanting to be sick.

With the help of my acupuncturist and teacher Dr. Jagdeep Johal, we created a space of no judgement to all of the reasons why I would want to find myself in this horrible space. I had to allow my thoughts and desires to not be a secret anymore. So out loud I listed every single reason.

Turns out there were lots, some of them not so awesome to admit, but the overall theme that arose out of them, was I wanted to be sick so that I could have some space. Let go of a lot of my commitments and be taken care of by those around me.

What also became really clear, was that this cycle of symptoms and testing would always show up when I was super busy, overcommitted and wanting a break.

Any of this sound familiar to your own life? It's not by chance that women are the majority affected by auto-immune disease. Over time the body will just say No and not take on the continual stresses that we exert upon it. A great resource on this topic, written by a brilliant Canadian physician, Gabor Mate is When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection

if you want to check it out.

As an Earth Element ( a natural mother and care-taker to all around me) and a healer, I spend a lot of time creating the space for others, the word NO isn’t in my vocabulary very often if ever and asking for help is really difficult. (your own element analysis is coming soon)

And so, there is this tiny voice in my head that speaks up when in overwhelm that says..

“If you were sick, you wouldn’t have a choice anymore,” “You would have an excuse, you could say NO,” and “others would have to step up, because they would want to help you”.

Which deep down, sounds awesome some of the time.

Only, it’s not coming from a place of power or choice, it’s coming from giving up and wanting to be a victim. Which doesn’t sound great at all. Plus, I would actually be sick, which I REALLY DON’T WANT.

AND I'm ALLOWED TO JUST SAY NO!

So, I have to create a different dialogue when these things pop up.

Like now, I am experiencing some weird symptoms in my body at present and rather than running to my Doctor again, I am taking stock of what else is going on.

At present, a couple things come to mind. I’m in the middle of a huge website rebrand both this site and for my practice. I’m planning my first workshop for April, and we have finally got a date for Little E to have a minor surgery, and March is a crazy family month where every weekend is a birthday on Sheldon’s side of the family including his and Little E’s.

It’s a lot, no wonder why I’m a little overwhelmed and looking for an excuse to slow it down.

So Instead of spending time with Dr. Google, I’m spending time delegating and spreading out my calendar.

I’m lowering my expectations of perfection for pretty much every single thing on my list and I’m saying No to anything that doesn’t pertain to my most important priorities in the next little while.

This includes, coffee dates, and even really fun events that normally I would love to attend, it just doesn’t fit right now and that’s okay. I can’t take care of everyone, I have to take care of myself first or more like second after little E.

There is way more power in this type of choice.

XO Ashley