The invitation for inner work is everywhere
Originally Posted Feb 21, 2022
I’ve been spending a lot of my free time, painting and sketching lately. In moments where I felt like I had nothing to write, art has made its way in to fill the gaps.
Its kind of amazing really, I will sketch and play with paints and then I’ll get this idea or a string of words that I need to get written down, and then it cycles back to the art and wanting to try something new on the canvas.
Honestly It has been a catalyst for me to delve deeper into my inner work.
One of the more profound aspects is that I’ve come to realize about myself is that I struggle with too much space. When I’m confronted with a blank piece of paper or canvas, I can feel myself panic internally. My mind shorts circuits and I feel paralyzed.
Here I am standing in front of the paper, ready to go, I have an idea of what I want to put on it, except I can’t move or bring myself to start. I will circle around the page for days. One million thoughts racing around my head, most of them related to my perfectionism and not wanting to screw up, or that what I want to create will look bad. It roars louder and louder in my brain until I finally choose to make a mark. Any mark.
I’ve realized that this feeling isn’t isolated to only drawing and painting. It's actually something that happens in so many other aspects of my life.
If I have too much free time available in my schedule, I panic. I’m programmed to be busy, I was a classically over-scheduled child and I’ve learned to thrive off the energy of always moving from one thing to the next with very little rest. Now, that I’m actually choosing to have more time in my schedule that isn’t pre-planned,- interestingly enough - to allow my creativity flow. I can feel the resistance well up in my body, silently freaking out, about what I will possibly do in that time.
Words and writing are no different. A blank screen and page is just as daunting. Since the release of 5 Element Alchemy, I’ve really struggled with writing anything larger than single page essays, journal excerpts or blogs such as this. Of course there is always a creative void that accompanies an expansive creative effort like publishing a book, but it wasn’t that.
At least not since the end of summer when I started feeling the pull of another book tugging at my soul, some parts of it are starting to take shape and yet I’ve been really struggling to start. Too much blank space, too much freedom, too many choices, to much self imposed expectation, too much of everything.
Thankfully, through the medium of painting I have found a way to reconcile this uneasiness. As I sat with this tendency and asked what am I to do with this, now that I know this about myself?
The answer became obvious. So obvious you could get mad at yourself for not seeing it sooner. But Oh well!
Slow it down and make it as simple as possible.
Yup, that obvious!
When I panic and feel like there is too much space, I'm to move to a smaller piece of paper and get some practice strokes down. I play in a sketch pad, rather than on a 30”x30” sheet of paper and trust that I will know when to move over to the bigger surface area.
I can spend time narrowing in on what my focus or purpose is for the “free time in my calendar.” Choose one thing, then move to the next objective.
When it comes to writing, I find myself a prompt and simply get the pen flowing.
Once that happens everything changes. In the past few weeks since the opening of Sacred Words I’ve written more than I have in some time, and I trust that this devotional practice will provide me that foundation to allow my next book to flow out of me as its meant to, and hopefully not take another 5 years.
Enrollment to Sacred Words is currently ongoing. Our first writing retreat is happening next Sunday.
If you’re feeling called to explore your creativity through the medium of writing while being supported along the way. I would love it if you joined us.
Click here for more info and to join.
XO
Ashley