This past weekend, we celebrated Baby E’s first birthday. It was so much fun, I was so excited for him, but I have to admit the closer the day got I became a little more emotional and a bit sad. I know that I’m not the only one that experiences this as they approach their child’s birthday so I wanted to share how I processed the days leading up so that I could stay present with my little guy on his big day.
A birthday is a true expression and celebration of the birth of a child, this day also signifies the transformation of a woman becoming a mother. The days and hours that she spent labouring and birthing her child, letting go of her ideas and expectations of how it’s all supposed to happen for the greatest benefit and outcome. Through this process her relationship with her partner transforms and they become parents. The way she will relate to her body and sense of self will forever be altered.
On March 15th, 2013, 10 days overdue, Baby E finally made his debut and forever changed our lives.
As the anniversary of his birth approached I felt this internal stirring that required acknowledgment. I needed to spend some time with myself in reflection on my and Baby E’s birth story, our past year together, awareness of mine and Sheldon’s past year together, and the hopes and dreams I have for all of us in the future.
On the Thursday around 8pm it was almost like an alarm bell went off in my head. One year ago to that time, my labour had started. I had just put Baby E to bed, so I took the opportunity to sit with the memories that came flooding back to me, including all of the thoughts I had running around my head at the time. I forgave the parts of me that were holding on to the events that I wished were different and gave gratitude for everything that went well. My labour was long, so I decided to leave it at that and set it aside for the evening.
On the Friday evening, everything was finally coming together, this time last year we had made the decision to go to the hospital and allow my labour to progress. My labour was pretty ordinary from most people’s perspective, however, it certainly did not look like my birth plan, and to be truthful I am still working through my disappointment of that. (I will share more in future posts as I heal and have more perspective on it).
I felt that this moment required more ceremony and awareness so prior to going to bed I lit a candle and meditated. I let all of the emotions wash over me and I gave gratitude to my experience just as it happened, to my son who chose us as his parents and the lessons that he teaches us every day, and to my husband and the journey that we have traveled together this past year as partners and parents.
It felt good to honour that moment, I let the tears out, I felt that I was able to heal just a little bit more and to give myself some closure to the moment. Near the end of my meditation the excitement and love came forward, and I drifted off to sleep, when I awoke I felt at peace and carried that with me all day and felt truly present for Baby E on his day. His party was a success, attended by both sets of his grandparents, his aunts, uncles, and cousins.
We decorated the house with an Elmo theme, ate gluten free cake, sang songs and played all day. I couldn’t ask for a better day, and I feel that my ceremony will be an annual event to commemorate our journey with each other.
My question to you, did you do anything to honour your transformation into motherhood and do you still do it? Tell me about it in the comments below.
XO
Ashley
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