There’s a time in my life that I keep pretty quiet about. A few people know a few details, the fact that I was okay and am okay about it all, but that’s about it. Even though it played out on a fairly public stage.
I’ve written and shared my postpartum depression story many times, except I often leave out a lot of my 9 month break down and the events that surrounded this time 3 years ago, but it seems only fitting and quite serendipitous with the launch of The Embodied Alchemy Method occurring at the anniversary of my decision and everything that happened between then and now. It wasn’t planned and yet here we are.
Three years ago, I was lost. I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know what I wanted to do or be or anything for that matter. I attended a retreat about a month before and all I could do was cry. I ached for the missed time I felt I lost when E was a newborn and couldn’t connect. I was angry that I wouldn’t get another chance to do it over again. I felt cheated and I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of what was to come next.
I liked my work but it was starting to feel mechanical and I was tired. Tired of trying to make it all work on my own.
I wanted a fix. Anything, something that would create a shift in my life. Something that would make me feel happy and grounded.
So, I started to shop around and feel into the idea of joining someone else’s practice. Most everyone I talked to was shocked because I had the dream scenario that most therapists dream of. A fully separate clinic within my own home.
But at that time I was isolated and I just didn’t care. After a bit of searching I found a place that would work. There were some things that weren’t awesome but doable and really they only felt problematic because I’ve never had a boss or a real job my entire life. So my entrepreneurial brain felt a bit twitchy. I felt resistant, but ignored it and signed the dotted line anyway.
I was committing to working almost double the hours and seeing double the patients that I was used to. It didn’t actually equate to more money, but it would be a shift and that’s what I was looking for.
I got home excited, called Sheldon and said I did it, I’m closing my business in 15 days. I wrote out an email to my clients and explained where they could find me, hit send.
And then cried…And cried. All day, I couldn’t stop.
In the meantime, I got a mix of emails from friends and clients either congratulating me or telling me the reasons why they were sad I wasn’t staying where I was.
My best friend called me that night and I bawled on the phone for an hour as she tried to convince me why it was a good thing. I made the right choice.. As a perfectly Metal type she listed out all of the pros and purpose to each. And when I still couldn’t stop crying she suggested I sleep on it and see how I felt about it in the morning.
The next day, I couldn’t shake the feeling of absolute dread. I cried to Sheldon, to my mom. I faked a happy face to clients, and when they left I broke down again.
After the second day, I talked it over with Sheldon (another Metal) and discussed how I couldn’t shake something that told me I made a mistake. I didn’t know what it was but no amount of reasoning made it go away. He told me to “pro” and “pro” it. Pro’s for leaving, Pro’s for staying and see which one felt better. I took the night to go think it through and in the morning I told him I was ready to go over it.
All he asked was if I had made a decision? And I replied I wanted to stay, “my intuition tells me I need to stay”. He gave me hug and said then that’s that. Within an hour I was making phone calls, enacting my 90 day walk away period before I even officially started and then rewrote my clients telling them that I changed my mind.
On the outside, I looked like even more of a basket case then I already was, but at that point, I didn’t care.
And I got the shift that I was looking for.
It looked different that all of the ways that I thought it would occur. Rather than a shift outward this one took me inward.
I didn’t know that it would lead me here, having created a program based on the 5 Elements and creating a life of love and legacy, but I knew that if I was going to stay that I needed to come back to my medicine. I needed to find myself again. Find my centre, find my sense of wholeness, discover my souls purpose and start listening to my heart over my brains agenda.
So I went back to the beginning, the thing that hooked me from the start of Acupuncture school, my Earth Element. I began to mother myself and allowed myself some time to get re-grounded in my life, bringing in new awareness of just how different my life, my body and my brain were since E’s arrival. I had been to busy trying to hold it all together and look perfect to notice before. (Earth Phase)
I surrendered to the idea that my version of success was likely going to change and that I didn’t have to have it all figured out to start going in that direction. I gained greater clarity on who I was, what I wanted and who was meant to be there with me for the journey. (Metal Phase)
And then I waited for the right pathway to reveal itself on how I could best serve with impact that reflected my authentic expression. This part probably took the longest, its the (Water Phase) and water doesn’t work with a timeline. It ebbs and flows until it’s ready to transform.
It took the better part of 2 years before I felt inspired to put the wheels in motion. Once it started, the vision was clear, and each day that I put one foot in from of the other, my endurance and ability to hold true to my hearts call became stronger. (Wood Phase)
Which brings me here. In Fire and ready for the evolution of the cycle to bring me back in only with greater ability to love and serve and hold more people unconditionally to share everything that the last 3 years and before have taught, shown and asked of me.
To support you to go inward and then back out, yin to yang to find your centre and believe in the truth that you are whole and discover your version of a life with depth and intention led by love and legacy. It would be an honour to hold you through this journey of the Elements in the Embodied Alchemy Method, a 6 phase immersion followed by a lifetime container of support and community.
Our work is never done, and we can never do it alone. If you’re feeling called, I would love to welcome you to the family.