At the beginning of July, I was having a session with my 5 Element Mentor Lorie Dechar, she’s been helping me as I bring the final pieces to The Embodied Alchemy Method together and we reached a place in the session where I hit a bit of a wall.
We had been discussing what was included in my program and she stopped me. She said, “this all sounds wonderful except I don’t see you in it.” “Where is Ashley?”
And this comment felt like a knife through my heart.
And I won’t deny that there wasn’t some truth to it. Of course I’m in it, I create it, It’s my thoughts and my interpretation of the medicine that I know works. I’ve watched it time and time again work.
But, there was this place in all of that, where I was holding myself back. I was keeping myself and everything else at arms length. And coming face to face with that realization was a bit of a pill to swallow.
I kept hearing this little voice in my head saying “you want more?” What if I can’t give you more”
Now Lorie, has known me a long time and she know’s my patterns, and the functioning of my Triple Burner, the opening of the drawbridge to my heart to let love and people in as well as my own love to flow out doesn’t always open as it should.
And she pushed me to let the gate open a little so that I could admit to myself that I was really scared.
I’m terrified of the Fire Element.
I don’t do drama, I don’t do messy, most of the time I don’t really do Fire.
Most of the time Fire depletes me, as an Earth Element when Fire is volatile I feel like I go backwards, Fire starts to steal my grounding to contain the crazy and when this happens the San Jiao channel gives me a lot of grief.
Physically this channel helps with fluid metabolism and as luck would have it during the hottest times of the year my body pads itself with weight, with water, when the temperature cools it dissipates. Annoying but at this point of my life I just respect that my body is doing its best to keep me grounded. It’s no wonder I spent my entire summer in an ice rink.
And emotionally I just close up. I don’t share, I don’t speak, I can’t write.
After I got the off the call, I had a million thoughts swirling around on how I had to scrap the whole thing and start over. That maybe I could just put more information into the program, more resources, more, more and more.
That if I could be more perfect, that if the program could be perfect then maybe I could save myself from having to wear my heart on my sleeve and save myself from being disappointed if it doesn’t all work out the way I am hoping it would.
But, you don’t get to know what’s waiting for you until after you take the leap. So I took a break, I didn’t write or really work on anything for a little while and then this came thru.
I’m afraid to let you in because…..
I don’t think I can give you what you want.
What if it’s not enough?
What if I’m not enough?
What if you ask more of me than what I can give?
What if I can’t say no?
And so I give more of me that I want too….
My lack of boundaries were my choice to make,
but what if I resent you for taking what I didn’t have to give?
I don’t want to resent you…
It breaks my heart to think that I could.
So instead of choosing my boundaries
I’ll put up a wall before you even get close.
At arms length, I won’t hurt you.
At arms length, I won’t resent or end up hating you.
But at arms length you don’t get to know me, or really see me.
I don’t get to love you the way that I want too.
I don’t get to feel you truly love me.
and I don’t get to really experience what it’s like to really love me either.
This is my plea,
Go slow, I want this as much as you do.
But I will be scared, I will likely want to shut the gate faster.
Hold me, let me warm up to you.
Allow me to unravel in your arms.
Let me open up in a way that I have never done.
I want you to see me, I want you to love me.
I want to love you right back times a million.
Together we can lower the drawbridge to my heart
To let my love overflow.
And with that, the need for everything to be perfect began to fall away. I didn’t need to hide any more. I didn’t need to hide behind more books and more information, the only thing that I had to do is be real. To share the parts of me that I can and be willing to take down the my walls brick by brick when I’m ready to let them fall.
Fire truly only asks us to be present.
The timeline is irrelevant when we choose to keep moving closer to the flame. When we put one foot in front of an other and take the next step towards our desires everyone wins.
XO
Photo Credit @kaihlatonai
